I killed my father today. And my guilt is that of sheer misunderstanding; a misunderstanding no daughter can afford to have of her father.
I was twelve when I saw my mother die a painful death. I don’t know exactly how. Dad never talked about it. What I did understand was that we could not afford the medicines. After her death we were well off with dad’s meager salary. But dad had seen what money meant in life. Thus after mother’s death, began dad’s maddening pursue of wealth.
I was sent to a boarding school and never came to know how he bought a bungalow in just seven years; or rather I didn’t want to. I feared that truth might shatter the dream world I was in. And thus I lived with a belief that dad’s wealth was ill gotten; a belief so terrifying that I could never confess it to myself.
I realize today that I never really knew him. Dad always appeared to be behind a tinted glass; from where he could see me, but not the vice versa.
He told me a week before our placement that he wanted me to come home. I don’t know that it was the fact that he had never asked for anything before there was something in his voice, but I couldn’t refuse. I came home three days later.
* * *
I rammed into his office without knocking. He was standing facing the window with a faraway look in his eyes; deep in thought. “Dad, the client…” I had just started when he gestured me to stop. It was then that I realized that there was someone else in the room. On the sofa sat a lady- cheeks swollen and red from hours of crying. Tears still hung in her eyes looking for the slightest fault in her defenses to burst out.
He gestured me to leave; but my curiosity would not let me. As I moved out, I wedged my sandal at the door so as to leave it slightly ajar. Standing outside I opened my file and pretended to read.
It was he who spoke first.
“I hope you understand that we simply cannot have a facially deformed person in the P.R. department. It affects the image of the company.”
“But sir!” she started sobbing “he will die.”
“He has lost only his job. But he has you and his kids to live for. What makes you think that he will die?” Dad was still looking out of the window. His voice sounded far away. The lady had calmed down a bit.
“Sir! He has worked like a maniac all these years. And all he has now are his achievements in your company. And he cannot see all that crumble to dust right before his eyes.” She broke down once more “He has attempted suicide once. All he is alive for is the lie that I had got a call from you for a meeting. He will not survive again.”
There was a pause.
“Sorry Mrs.Sen! But the company’s interests are way prior to any individual.”
“But sir…”
“This meeting is over.”
I guess she had started sobbing again. But I heard no more. I staggered back and sunk into a chair. It was all happening. My darkest nightmares were coming true right before my eyes. I felt nauseous.
When I regained my composure, I made the biggest decision in my life.
He was calm when I spoke to him. “Business is along chain of people and resources. But it snaps at a single weak link. And then nobody blames the link.”
“But have you ever realized that the links you are referring to are human beings. Have you no heart?”
“As the heiress of my empire, I would appreciate it if you decided your priorities”
“To hell with your priorities and your empire! I want none of this wealth drenched in tears and blood.”
Now I wonder how those words ever escaped my mouth. But I was blind with rage. Can’t this man see anything? There is a life at stake and he is deciding priorities? I stormed out of the office.
* * *
That was a week ago. This morning I received an email.
Dear daughter,
I accept that I have committed crimes. Maybe not so many against the law as against humanity. But that only makes it all the more unforgivable. But that was long ago. Soon I had realized that there were things more valuable than money. But what I still retain from my early days are my principles.
Remember the lady you saw at the office that day? No! I am not sorry for what I said or did. But yes! I did talk to her husband. He is happy with an alternate career now. And his kids have a scholarship from my company. Thought you would be happy to know that.
The day you left, I realized the truth in your words. I have skeletons in my closet and I cannot pass them onto you. You have lived as you have liked and would continue to do so; away from the dark shadows from my past.
The past week has been hectic for me. I have finished my will and transferred all my assets to you the details of which I have attached.
By the time you would receive this I would have left. Only I didn’t want to die with a heart heavy with guilt.
Love,
Dad
The tinted glass had shattered cruelly.
